One step back…WTF? These freaking voices in my head…

So, the other day, I am in one of those situations where Captains (read not me) are picking teammates. It was like the old days on the playground when the two biggest guys appoint themselves Captain and then pick from a hopeful pool of mere mortals. Each one in the pool secretly praying that they are not the last person to be picked.

In this case it was at the gym and we faced a grueling game of tic-tac-toe. You know, tic-tac-toe, where you ride as hard as you can for 30 seconds on something called an “assault bike” then sprint to pick up your X or O, sprint again for 25 yards to place it on the board before sprinting back to the assault bike to tag the next person so they can do the same thing all over again. First team to get three in a row wins bragging rights. Hummm, pure strength and speed. Youthful qualities I dare say.

When half the people have been selected the voices start to rattle around. I naturally thought I would go in the first few rounds (such hubris) but there seems to be some sort of order that I am not aware of: I don’t understand, I can’t see it. The Captains seem to be talking the biggest, strongest, fastest and/or quickest. The voices get louder: pick me, pick me, pick me…

I get it, tic-tac-toe is not a game of strategy and nuance, both a bit more in my wheelhouse.

Two more rounds go by and I am now one of only four left in the pool. And the voices are screaming: Pick me! Pick me! Please don’t let me be last! The Captains select the next two lucky souls and it comes downs to me and one other. I hate these situations. “We’ll take Carley.” Ouch…

The voices drown out everything else and I lose focus. Self-doubt crashes the party from all sides. Am I luggage or leverage? Seriously, self doubt is making a come back?  Has nothing changed since the days of my youth on the playground at Norwood Elementary? What’s going on in there? Am I somehow stuck? Is this some kind of mental test to see where I really stand, right now, after years of toiling to be better? Is all of that self-talk on “evolving” and “moving forward” and “onward” just a bunch of mumbo jumbo? And why does it bother me so? I mean really.  Is it me? Am I the last one in the pool? The least desirable? Perceived as luggage?

Then to add insult to injury, I am the last one to go, so with the game on the line, and in my oxygen deprived state, I pick the worst square possible and lose the game for my team. No, not the comeback storybook ending I was hoping for. And then, to make things even worse, someone captures it all on camera and posts it on Instagram!

These voices are still in there…one step back.

Onward->